Mayonnaise
Katherine D. Bennett
(First published in the Lathrop News Thursday, June 25, 1998)
I’d like to think that lam a reasonably intelligent person. I manage the details of my life with some skill and awareness, or, so I’d like to think. I have to admit that there are times when I can be, well, rather thick, though eventually I do catch on and adapt. Unfortunately, sometimes the essential detail escapes me and I make truly stupid mistakes.
Like, for instance, the time I washed my hair in Mayonnaise....
I was about fifteen that spring, and school was almost out for the summer. At that time of my life, I wore my hair very long and straight. To be honest, I was vain beyond belief about my shiny, honey-colored tresses, and pampered each strand like it was made of pure gold. I was constantly looking for better hair care products or ways to make my hair healthier.
I read somewhere that mayonnaise is a terrific natural conditioner, though the article didn’t give any directions on how to use the mayonnaise as a conditioner. I figured that I’d just wash my hair, like usual, then glob some mayonnaise on my hair, like the usual way I used a conditioner.
So, in the morning, before school, I washed my hair. Then I went to the refrigerator and got out the Miracle Whip. Yes. I said Miracle Whip. You see, we always used Miracle Whip and mayonnaise interchangeably, and I had no idea there was a difference. I then covered every strand of hair on my bead with a liberal coating of salad dressing and rinsed. I rinsed some more. Rinsed and rinsed. Desperately, I rinsed. I toweled. I rubbed and toweled and dried. Hooboy!
Finally, I went to school, praying for my hair to dry or something. It must have served a larger purpose in the vast scheme of things, because my hair remained a gloppy mess throughout the whole day. It didn’t help that the day was hot, and by the time I got to algebra, I was more than a little stinky.
Miracle Whip and mayonnaise are NOT the same thing. This I know. I have learned, since then, that there are a couple of methods to use mayonnaise as a conditioner. (Not Miracle Whip!) However, I have decided to use both products on sandwiches and in salads, and use hair care products on my hair. Somehow, it seems to be the prudent thing to do.